WOW
Topic: starting

it has been two years since that last entry... as it turns out i got lucky he ran off to califoinia with someone he met on the internt. left me with the bills and kids forced me to grow up real fast. but life for the most part is good. yeah for a while there i did have to drop out of school and i did move but it was for the better i am out of that hell whole. the man was a whore there were no 6-7 woman it was more like a prade in the end it seemed i was the only one who did not know. anyways that part of my life is over.....

I have done things i have never done before in my life i bought my own car. yeah i know a 31 year old woman but hey its a start. i am back in school now, my boys and me are doing well it turns out i can be a single mother no im not perfect but thats good for the boys. my oldest is autistic and my youngest is nuts a cute nuts but still nuts cant sit still if you glued him to a chair. i have met someone new. he is a great guy wants me to marry him but i am just not ready. someday soon but just not today. the only bad thing in this whole mess is the boys lost their father. then again a man that would run off and not see his kids for a year at a time isnt what you would think of as great father material to start with. so maybe all in all it is not a big lost.

i keep looking at what i wrote then god i could not have been that dependent on a man and whinny at the same time.

3/15/05 ok I just got off the phone with him he was angry accused me of using the kids to get back at him he threaten that rather then me get any of his bonus from the army he would not reenlist till he got home so I could not touch his bonus. This tells me how much he worries about the boys. Almost sounds like he thinks I get enough money now to save enough to live on for a year till I finish school. of course I reminded him all I have to pay and how boys are always needing things and how they are always out growing their clothes. So I can tell when he gets home he will think that 300$ will be enough to support 2 kids with me going to school. I guess I could worry about it now but there’s not much I can do now except make my self sick. I worry about how I will finish school but I guess I need to concentrate on today and making it thought today before I worry about tomorrow. All and all I did not get much out of that phone call other then stress. Some part of me wants to date but I know that part just want to replace him and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in it I want to be in one because I love the person so I guess I still need to wait. On the other hand I just lost my best friend and this area my only real friend. That’s the hardest thing every where I have ever made friends we moved from so now I am In a place that don’t agree with my ideas thoughts and feelings on issues I used to love political debates but it has been at least a year or two since I have had one cause every one just takes offense if you are not right wing christen in this area (at least that’s how it feels I know that’s not true). So where do I go from here? I guess that is a question I need to answer myself I can no longer turn to some else to get that answer. So even if I don’t see it now maybe good something will come from this. Ok strange I was feeling all down the hot tub song by Phil vasser (don’t know if that’s spelled right) came on and I am ready to go out and make love and now I am in a good mood. So I guess even the thought of sex makes me feel just think how I would feel if I was actually getting any lol that’s funny. It has been so long he left to go to Iraq and of course I have been the good little wife and went with out and now he says he is not come back. At least he could have waited till he got home screwed me a few times then told me but oh well. Anyways these are not things a “good wife” should be thinking about. Ok yeah I am laughing at myself right now. Just talked to him again he still says he don’t love me but we made a agreement. we will live together when he gets home till I am done with school maybe beyond that if it works out we will share all money like now it will all be family money we will not see anyone (i.e. date) while we live together we will still be friends. The only change I can see is that he will have his own room because he freely admits he loves my body and will have a hard time keeping his hands off me. The funny part about this is he is the one who put in the we will not see anyone part so what does this all mean I have no idea.

3/8/05
I wouldn't give up my children for ANY man. Husbands can be replaced, your child cannot.

I try to remember how it was like before this all start I thought we were poor but happy he says we were not and that he screwed around 7 times on me. The first 6 I could deal with they all had to do with Seattle ok fine but then he says that the last one happened in a car 6 months before he left repeatedly with a girl from his class but he will not tell me more then it only happened a few times. How do I feel well fell angry cause he will not work on a relationship I gave ten years of my life to he wants to do something that will effect and hurt the boys but he will not see that he is so in to his self right now. I don care what happened only that he is willing to work on the now. I don’t pretend to know what is going on with him right now. He scares me but I can’t tell him that and I don’t have anyone else to talk to so here I am I need to write get these things out. I am trying to take the stress off of him by not telling all the crap I have been dealing with about how the house I wanted I lost how my book bag got stolen and how with it went half a semester of important notes I need for two class and my nursing book with it. I don’t tell him about my speeding ticket or how lately I keep thinking how easy it would be to get a baby sitter drive some where take some cold meds and sleeping pills wash it down with Capt. Morgan put a bag over my face and go to bed. I just give up some times I have never had one person that no matter what I did, did not come back later to kick me for it no matter how hard I tried. I am tired of life I guess I know I love him and I know he loves me but he is going to walk away no matter what I do. He wont even give me the security to get my RN he is so worried about how he feels. If he does this he will get every other weekend and that is it no holidays I will not be away form my boys just because he don’t love me. Right now the plan is to get him to agree to live with me so I can get my RN then I guess I will move to Michigan if he will not work on our marriage he wants it to come easy on such thing marriage is hard work to make it good no feelings will ever make a marriage but will to work and have a mutual goal will. I know if he leaves me he will be married in two years or less I bet he already has some one in mind but he won’t tell me would not surprise me that he has kids around he wont admit to or don’t know about. He will then get married and start a new family and end up with more kids especially if she is southern lol. I guess that would me my revenge him some how screwing himself over me doing nothing more then letting him If I can’t get my RN then I will go to my moms with my LPN and go back to school when the boys are older. I know such but oh well that is life and I am a mom before I am anything else. I can’t see a person that would put them selves before their kids and if they do they don’t deserver to be part of the kids lives I don’t think I would want anything from him if I do have to leave with just my lpn just that he will leave us alone.
But really I want none of this to happen I want him to come home and make this work and if it doesn’t at least e gave it a try I would feel better about it and better able if he decided he still did not want me to move no with my life. But I know if I say that’s what I need and don’t put anything in it for him It will never happen. I don’t know how I would feel about making love to him If 3 months after he came home he still don’t want to be married to me I don’t think I would like it I think it would bother me. But would I do it if I thought it would keep him there long enough so I could finish me Rn yes I would like I said my kids come 1st no matter what no of this well I have to make myself feel good for my kids that is just justifying your selfishness me getting my rn would guarantee more money for them and a better life in the long run I had always hoped to be able to give then the things I did not get but now I am not sure that will happen a one parent house hold is never as good as a two parent house hold. But lets hope none of this even happens and he is depressed and comes home and we fix this I love him so much I wish I could pull it out and show him and say see this is what love looks like I will always love you I may not like you after a while or trust you but I will always love you. I don’t know I am just so scared I wish I could run away but I know I won’t. One foot in front of the other then, do it again. That is where I am at I moved to KY for him I hate this place I can never be myself here not with out him to talk to so if he is gone I am stuck here in hell. But I guess I am getting ahead of myself really I have the next few years planed out here and it could all change in a hour. But it’s my control freak need I need to feel like I have some control over my life and right now I have none. I hate that. I wish he would at least agree to consoling but from what he said he will never do that I guess I should look in to it for myself maybe try it a time or two to help put things in perspective for me maybe get rid of some of this fear. Ok I need to try and go to bed I guess I have school in the morning. Ok one last point him leave me I also lose my best friend in the world one I could always talk to.
Casualties of war
“My husband went to war he never made it back home but I hear a stranger came back in his place. I morn him like he died because really he did at least in my eyes. So I cry daily for the brave man I loved that never made it back home to me.”

Casualties of war
“My husband went to war he never made it back home but I hear a stranger came back in his place. I morn him like he died because, true fully his body may still be here but he left his soul there on the battle field. So I cry daily for the brave man I loved that never made it back home.”

I wonder how many wives and children will cry because of this war. How many families will this war tear apart?

As always me

heres what i have wrote so far
3/6/05 Ok I have been sitting here trying to write a paper but I am scared so I have to answer why? Why am I so scared? Ok maybe your right I am afraid to be alone well ok I am afraid to be alone I have always needed you. I am afraid to be a single mom of two active boys I don’t want to raise them all by myself. But I also know you promised me I would not have to stay in this area for long just as long as we are in school. I am afraid to be trapped here and died in a place I have never been accepted and a place where I can not truly be myself. I am afraid that I have never been loved. I am afraid I will have to go stay with my mom I would do a lot to avoid that (sad huh) all I need is my RN then I will make 20$ a hour then I will be able to support the boys but how will I get there will out you? I am afraid because you have been as much my dad as my husband you made the night mares go away the monsters under the bed are scared of you and you fixed things and when I flipped out you calm me. I am afraid because when you found me my only goal in life was to not live I don’t want to go back to that. I think that I could grow to accept the fact that you don’t love me if I could overcome my fears but how do I? I have always depended on you for everything and now you won’t be taking care of me that scare’s me. On top of that I will have two boys to protect and provide for. I am afraid when you get married again the women you marry will be a “dede” person but you wont see it cause you are “in love” with her and the boys will suffer for that. I am afraid that no matter what you say once you get home you will not be part of the boy’s life or worse yet try to steal the boys from me, to grab them and run. I hate living in fear so I guess right now I hate you for causing all of this fear. But I guess I am an adult and need to provide for myself. I have thought about all I can think about. I started to say I was thinking about dating again but really have I ever dated? No I have not I would not know how to start I am afraid that I will end up married again just cause I don’t want to be alone I don’t want another husband that I will give everything to then they throw it in my face I don’t want that. I guess what I am saying is that I am afraid and I don’t want to be that way and of course I have come to you to fix it but this time you wont. So I think I might go to consoling just myself since you won’t go. And maybe looking in to dating again I don’t know I don’t think I am ready for that I know it would be easy to take advantage of me right now just cause of the state I am in. I think you have some one in mind for dating or that you are already dating that person but I think no matter what you will never tell me and looking at my thoughts I always thought well I will stay will him till the boys are grown then we will see from there cause I know that kids from intact houses always have more chances in life and I wanted that for the boys. But that will not happen now I feel guilty but it was not my doing it was yours so I think I will let you hold that guilt about letting the boys down. I am sadder for things I will never have the house I thought we would build the nice cars and money we would have. I have been so love with out love making and now I don’t know when that will happen.

I guess i will start here
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Tripp around the sun
Topic: starting
I have been keepinga journal for the past week or so i will post it here then add to it as i feel. looking at it, it is a little whinny. but heres whats been going on: i stoped working to go to school so thats where i am now. my husband waas called up to go to iraq. me and my sons missed him and wished he would come hme soon then one day out of the buld he drops the bomb (actually on 3/4/95) that he dont love me never has and he is not coming home we have been together since i was 17yrs old and he was 18yrs old we have been together for ten years and have two healthy strong boys ages 7&9. he admits to screwing around 7 times while we have been married and that he never loved me. so i am just trying to figure out where do i go from here.